Depressed Sexual Drive

A Doctor was telling us a story about why you should always ask about sexual history.  Apparently he, an OB/GYN, got called in to diagnose a case of supposed Pelvic Inflammatory Disease (an infection that is almost always the result of STDs) in a 55 year old woman.  He was wary about the diagnosis, so his first question to her was, "are you sexually active?"  She replied, "I haven't had sex in 20 years".  Clear cut case of depression.

Bad dick jokes

Julie, of The Internet, asks, "I think I know how other docs think of, say, orthopedic surgeons, dermatologists, neurosurgeons, etc., but what do other docs think of gynos"


Thanks for the question Julie.  Instead of answering it, I'm going to use it to delve into a marginally coherent word vomit about specialties (Although you might find your answer buried in there. Don't look too hard, it's not really there).

I think most people are at least mildly aware of the medical stereotypes that exist, the joke about the ortho being as strong as an ox and twice as smart, or the dermatologist basing an entire profession on, "if it's wet, dry it out. If it's dry, wet it."  Those are long standing, and lame, health care worker jokes, but I think that the sentiment is pretty well known in the non-medical world.  But what about Urology? The morbid, Pathology?  The all too glamorous, Gastroenterology (It even sounds gross, containing both the words, "gas" and "enter".  Which are fairly accurate descriptors of the profession)?   The what's-the-difference-between-an-optometrist-and-an-ophthalmologist, Ophthalmology? In general, this non-medical professional curiosity regarding why people choose such weird specialties can be best summarized by a patient I saw on my OB/GYN rotation who eloquently inquired, "Why you wanna be a coochie doc?"


What's hard to realize from the outside is the pros and cons of each specialty and how the organ of interest plays only a small role (unless you are an insecure urologist, then it plays a HUGE role, bro).  Even accepted premeds; people who have, ideally, become well versed in the realities of what it's like to be in medicine, are rarely chomping at the bit to get balls deep into urology.  Yet every year many medical students sign themselves up for a lifetime of awful dick jokes (like the previous two).


But as the years go by, you start to see the benefits of a certain kind of lifestyle.  You choose medicine because you like the mental gymnastics or surgery because you like to fix problems.  You figure out if you like really sick patients or would rather help patients get back on track from small bumps in their health.  You realize that plastic surgery has some of the hands down coolest procedures on earth and that OB/GYN is one of the few ways to really mix medicine and surgery for your career.


They all have their pluses and minuses and you have to figure out what sacrifices you want to make to live the life you want.  Sometimes that means evaluating Family Medicine and Ophthalmology and liking them both equally, but realizing that Ophthalmology has a better income and is less hog-tied by insurance.  It sounds like a shitty reason to pick it over something as noble as Family Medicine, but when you like them both equally, something has to tip the scales.  And in the end, you are helping people in Family Medicine and you are helping people in Ophthalmology and you have to pick one.  So, I guess that's why some people wanna be coochie docs.

I HAART HIV

That's the bumper sticker I will make if I go into Infectious Disease.

Indy 500 unread messages

The disappointment of seeing a new facebook message and finding out it's a 3rd tier friend inviting you to their shitty indy band show at an overpriced bar is like getting dress socks for Christmas.  Only dress socks have some use, your band does not.

Mid 20's angst

No, YOU'RE being unreasonable, Sober Dan! I'm staying at Drunk Dan's tonight. He will let me stay up as late as I want and text any ex I feel like. Hey! Give it back. No, don't lock my phone! I HATE you!

No Fucking, Kidding

"Pelvic rest" the term used when doctors want to prescribe to someone to abstain from sex.  Take two tablets of NoFunUmab* and call me in the morning when you are bored and pissed and keep getting pestered about a blowie.

*that's right, it's a monoclonal antibody.

Clippers

I rarely try to drop the med school thing when talking to strangers.  If it comes up, fine, but I'm not insecure enough to feel like I need to let everyone know what I do.  Except when buying a belt clip for my phone.

"THANKS FOR THE BELT CLIP!  THIS WILL GO GREAT ON MY SCRUBS.  THE ONES I HAVE TO WEAR IN THE HOSPITAL.  THAT ABSOLUTELY NECESSITATE A BELT CLIP BECAUSE OF A LACK OF POCKETS AND NOT BECAUSE I'M ONE OF THOSE BELT CLIP GUYS!"
"Sir, can you please keep your voice down"
"SIR? SOON IT WILL BE DOCTOR.  BECAUSE PEOPLE WITH BELT CLIPS EITHER NEED TO BE DOCTORS OR NEED STOCK IN HAIR GEL!  ZINNGGG, GOTTA HATE THOSE GUYS!  AM I RIGHT? THIS GUY KNOWS WHAT I'M TALKIN ABOUT!   NOT ENOUGH POCKETS!"
"Yes we can all see that you need to wear scrubs.  Apparently to the store.  And have stuffed your pockets with what appears to be some bandaids, a single pen, and toilet paper.  Please leave."
"OK, BUT THEN I'LL PROBABLY HAVE TO GO BACK TO THE HOSPITAL.  PROBABLY FOR AN IMPORTANT PROCEDURE OR SOMETHING!  HEY HOW DO YOU PUT THIS BELT CLIP ON?  I WOULDN'T KNOW, I'VE NEVER WORN ONE BEFORE.  POCKETS!"
"Stop saying pockets."

Retained POFing

One of the common complications of pregnancy post partum (after the delivery) is "Retained Products of Conception", which includes the placenta, fetal tissue, and a fucking kid for 18 years.

$70,000 a year wiki

I feel extremely threatened in regards to my medical education versus any non-medical person armed with wikipedia and a decent sense of how to spell stuff.

Coming Clean

There is no comraderie like the comraderie of walk of shaming right past a walk of shamer.
"Are you carrying one heel?"
"Are you brushing your teeth while you walk?"
A cat's game, well played.

See Section

I just saw a c-section.  You know when the magician pulls the rabbit out of the hat?  And you know when the magician saws the woman in half?  It's kind of like those two tricks combined but a lot bloodier.  I just kept going, what? Where the fuck did that baby just come from? Show me again, I can figure this out.  Is there a trap door under here...
"Please don't touch that, it's sterile"

Pregnancy be crazy!

"Honey, come on, we talked about this, put it down..."
Rarely, a pregnant patient will have cravings for inedible items such as dirt or clay....
"Because it's that vase your mother brought back from her trip to New Mexico, that's why.  Now please put it down...."
As long as these substances are nontoxic...
"I know there isn't any paint on it, but...Look! I got a Frosty! Do you want a Frosty? It's swirl..."
The patient is advised to maintain adequate nutrition...
"I see that you put a prenatal vitamin at the bottom of it, but I actually don't think a fun game would be to try and eat our way down to it.  I disagree, I don't think it's like bobbing for apples..."
And encouraged to stop ingesting the inedible items...
"Quick! Look over there...Ow, you fucking bit me!"

Don't Red Cross Me

 Dammit Red Cross, I donated blood out of the goodness of my heart (quite literally if you think about it).  I don't mind doing it, I don't mind doing it again, and I appreciate that you are super thankful and are real jazzed up to tell me about more opportunities.  But if you are going to call me to do so, unless you open with the following statement, "This is the American Red Cross and, in addition to us finding all of your HIV and deadly disease tests negative, we would like to tell you about another donating opportunity", you will be donating that blood back to me after I crack my head on my way fainting to the floor.

Barn Burned

Work I stay up to finish between the hours of midnight and 3am could be done in 40 minutes if I would just go to sleep at midnight and wake up an hour earlier.  Maybe being unsure how to spell, "carbon" because it, "looks funny" or forgetting what I was doing in the exact time it takes to load a new google tab are good signs I might need to bed up.  I mean, come on, I'm using Chrome.

Ethylene Glycol=antifreeze=a really terrible idea

Some people drink to get drunk.  I drink so that if I ever accidentally ingest ethylene glycol, I will be inhibiting the formation of a toxic metabolic acidosis.  I'm always prepared. Like a drunken boyscout.

Shoulder exercises

Learning to do physical exams is a really fun exercise in faking it.  We have these standardized patients who are actors who let us mangle them and then help us with our techniques, but only if we ask.  Otherwise we are supposed to pretend that we are their actual doctor. We know many techniques, but only in theory, so many conversations sound like this:
"Alright Mrs. Jones, would you mind untying the back of your gown?  You are going to feel my stethoscope, and each time you do, I'd like you to take a deep breath, I'm going to be listening to your lungs...am I listening to your lungs?"
"No dear, that's my shoulder"
"Your shoulder sounds great"