Lecture notes

When I'm taking notes, and you end up saying something different than what I was expecting, I'm making my note fit. I refuse to scratch out my perfectly worded intro to your point. "Stroke is the number 1 cause of death...or would be if the number 1 and 2 causes, which are obviously heart disease and cancer, were fairy tales."

There once was a man from Nantucket, his atherosclerosis was so long...

False Blood*

I don't get the people that just go home. There are only 3 points in a night that I am aware of, the point when I'm hooking up, the point when they turn the lights on and all the darkseekers run, or the "alright, dan, maybe it's time you went to bed. No, everyplace is closed. No you can't walk home, you will get in this cab. Give me your phone. No, give me your phone. Dan, do not text her, it's 3:30 and she has the bar exam tomorrow. Get in the cab". Who are these people leaving at 1130 when they get "tired"? They exist, I know it, hiding among us, like social vampires, sucking fun away.

*that's a True Blood joke.  I clarify because I came back to edit this and was like, "False blood?  what the hell am I talking about?" 

I'd call it Godbook, but I think we already have one of those

I bet heaven is just like a big facebook, but there are no privacy settings and there are an infinite number of posted pictures and videos. Sarah, why did you break up with me in 8th grade? Creating and checking an album called "Cheating"...you did make out with Andy! I fucking knew it! When you get to heaven, I'm gonna post on your Heaven Wall that you stuffed your bra.

Scientific Achievements

I realize that modern medicine has failed us with a cure for a hangover, and I just want you guys to know how hard I'm working on a solution. Just this weekend, I conducted a scientific experiment in which I sat on the couch and ate Chunky Monkey while watching BET and it worked (p<.05). Next week I'm going to try watching the Game Show Network and see if I can't tease apart where the magic is.

Skinny jeans

"This is really good, what's in it?"
"Red pepper, lemon juice, spices, and uh..."
Cucumbers. I can see them in there. The last ingredient you want to say is cucumbers. Just fucking say it Hippie Waiter.
"Uh"
Stop staring off into space, stop day dreaming about indie music and skinny jeans, get back to earth and say the fucking word cucumber.
"Uh, cucumbers"
God you do an impressive amount of drugs.