Don't Red Cross Me

 Dammit Red Cross, I donated blood out of the goodness of my heart (quite literally if you think about it).  I don't mind doing it, I don't mind doing it again, and I appreciate that you are super thankful and are real jazzed up to tell me about more opportunities.  But if you are going to call me to do so, unless you open with the following statement, "This is the American Red Cross and, in addition to us finding all of your HIV and deadly disease tests negative, we would like to tell you about another donating opportunity", you will be donating that blood back to me after I crack my head on my way fainting to the floor.

Barn Burned

Work I stay up to finish between the hours of midnight and 3am could be done in 40 minutes if I would just go to sleep at midnight and wake up an hour earlier.  Maybe being unsure how to spell, "carbon" because it, "looks funny" or forgetting what I was doing in the exact time it takes to load a new google tab are good signs I might need to bed up.  I mean, come on, I'm using Chrome.

Ethylene Glycol=antifreeze=a really terrible idea

Some people drink to get drunk.  I drink so that if I ever accidentally ingest ethylene glycol, I will be inhibiting the formation of a toxic metabolic acidosis.  I'm always prepared. Like a drunken boyscout.

Shoulder exercises

Learning to do physical exams is a really fun exercise in faking it.  We have these standardized patients who are actors who let us mangle them and then help us with our techniques, but only if we ask.  Otherwise we are supposed to pretend that we are their actual doctor. We know many techniques, but only in theory, so many conversations sound like this:
"Alright Mrs. Jones, would you mind untying the back of your gown?  You are going to feel my stethoscope, and each time you do, I'd like you to take a deep breath, I'm going to be listening to your lungs...am I listening to your lungs?"
"No dear, that's my shoulder"
"Your shoulder sounds great"

Winery Refinery

As a long time drinker and new found wine connoisseur (which I think is French for "drinker"), I have recently figured out an algorithm for purchasing a quality wine.  

My first step is to peruse the aisles and try to choose a country's vineyard that I would like to try.  Generally I stick with Australians and French wines because those are the physically closest sections to the entrance. 

Next, I choose a grape.  Traditionally, red's go with more full meats and white's find the palate better with fish or chicken, but let me emphasize that a white needs to be chilled and isn't chilled at most wine distributors, whereas a red is ready to rock right out of the bag.  Among the reds, I'm a fan of the thicker, fuller, volumetrically larger bottles and tend to go with those.

The final step is, unfortunately, really more of an art than a science, and although I can describe the basic formula, some of the inputs require significant practice.  Essentially, I take a look at the name of the winery, and then of the particular label of that wine, I take the hilarity of either (or both, if it's a really good wine, like Benzinger's Moose Shoot) and multiply* that by the inverse of the price.  High score wins. 

*Note: There is no real math involved.  I mostly go, "Moose Shoot?  That's pretty funny.  11 bucks?  That's pretty cheap.  Donzos".