Monday, January 31, 2011

Is that the sound of the Waaaambulance?

Love may know no bounds and be limitless, but nothing in this world could ever touch the relationship I have with my bed in between waking up on my first alarm and actually getting out of bed.

You know that scene in X-Men when they drag a young Magneto away from his parents and he rips the gate off its hinges trying to get back to them?  If I could, I would do that.  I think thoughts in that time period that are shameful.  Shameful and wrong.  Unicorns and puppies would gnash their teeth if they knew my thoughts in those moments.  Nuns would blush if they came within a 100 mile radius of the vile that spills forth from my mind.  I.don'

I would give up anything and everything I've ever worked for, just to stay in bed for 10 more minutes.  If it were the day before graduation and a small man, voiced by Robin Williams, appeared after my first alarm went off with the choice of getting up and becoming a doctor or staying in bed for 20 more minutes with guaranteed warmth and a return to that dream with the cakes, shaped like fun animals, I might just take those cakes. The fact that I ever get up should be rewarded with some sort of medal and a key to a city.  Not Cleveland.

Whenever this comes up, someone will invariably say, "You use 3 snoozes? Why don't you just get up?".  That's like saying, "You would do anything for her? She's just another human on this planet."  If you have to ask, you just aren't there yet.  You haven't been sleep deprived enough to really, well, understand.  I feel sorry for you.

Er, wait, me; I'm feeling sorry for me.

Tuesday, January 25, 2011

Please tell me we aren't broadcasting this crap to impressionable aliens.

You might think the world is going to shit because of comments on YouTube, but have you ever listened to talk-morning radio?  It's like tearing my nails out one cuticle on the hour, WKYshootmeinthefacepart.

Sunday, January 16, 2011

Useless seems to imply there is less use, I will use a new word, "Usenone"

One of the skills that they don't mention that is crucial in medicine is being able to blindly, but fully throw yourself into a completely useless task without asking questions. I'm not accusing actual medicine of this, but the MCAT, Step 1 exam, Step 2, the clinical skills, pretty much every round of testing we have at a national level is utterly useless.  Like completely useless.  But nonetheless, you have no choice but to go full steam ahead and study like you've never studied before so that you can be an absolute master of useless information.  You have to just get right in there and learn every enzyme involved in a pathway that is almost completely clinically insignificant.  In the rare (like 1:100,000 live births rare) instance that it is important, the importance of knowing the specific enzyme that went wrong is about like knowing which province in China made your faulty car part.  Not only that, but you have to know the provinces around that province, even if they don't make car parts.  Then, for fun, they will ask you what year that neighboring province was founded and under what regime.  But don't worry, they've provided a picture of the leader of that regime.  Pricks.

Saturday, January 15, 2011

If I wrote textbooks

"Enhancers increase transcription rates of specific genetic loci and also increase the zoom on a freeze frame image in action/thrillers when they catch an important clue on tape"  Enhance.  Enhance....ENHANCE.  There! What's that?  A transcription factor dropping off a brief case for that promoter gene.  You're mine Tyrosine Kinase, you're mine.

Tuesday, January 11, 2011

Shit, you're right. And I'm kinda ugly.

You know how people will come up to you and say something to the effect of, "OMG! You look just like my friend! Do you have a brother named Dave"?  Technology is now such that you better show me the goods.  I want to see this Dave on facebook and I'll be the judge of how much I look like this d-bag.  If you are wrong, I get your smartphone. 

I'm going to bbm the shit out of your friends.

Tuesday, January 4, 2011

Breaking news: this guy looks like an idiot.

If I were a celebrity, I would always walk outside with a huge smile on my face.  That way, when that story finally broke about that thing I do with mascot costumes, they couldn't use one of those stock graphics of me looking disappointed or embarrassed.  They would have to use that one of me in the Hawaiian shirt with a huge grin giving the "A-ok" sign.