Wednesday, November 25, 2009

Nightmare on Elm and any other street I happen to live on

There are really only two kinds of people that truly scare me.  First, the people who can look at a car and instantly figure out what's going on, they could skin a sheep if they had to, they just sort of clap and fire appears.  These are the people who will survive when the whole world goes to shit.  They have the skills possessed by our ancestor's ancestor's buddy who could fix shit real good.  They are survivors and their superiority intimidates me.  I'm always concerned that one day they are going to take me camping, ask to borrow my phone, crush it with their steel toed boot, and then hunt me.

The other kind of person is the one who, when the linking page to our lecture material site goes down, sends out that email that is like, "Hey guys, so I guess we can't access lectures through our main encryption node, I went through the trojan door and took down the source code.  I attached a zip file with the links on it.  Just copy the link and paste it into a media player with matrix access.  Should work just fine.  Skype me if you have any problems, I'll be on the space station".  These are the people who will survive as the world goes to its current state of shit. They have the skills that my kid's kid's virtual bully will have as he creates a dragon on the mainframe to steal my grandkid's space basketball trading cards.  I'm always concerned that one day they are going to take me camping, ask to borrow my phone, turn it into some kind of giant mechanical dinosaur, and then hunt me.

Sunday, November 22, 2009

Cookie monster

Sometimes I'll come home from drinking and, with inhibitions down and hunger high, just ravage my roommates food.  I'll wake up the next morning to their box of cookies out and a whole sleeve missing. I'm always sorry and real disappointed in myself. I make sure to apologize and clean up. I also make sure to grab one more cookie

Thursday, November 19, 2009

Lecture notes

When I'm taking notes, and you end up saying something different than what I was expecting, I'm making my note fit. I refuse to scratch out my perfectly worded intro to your point. "Stroke is the number 1 cause of death...or would be if the number 1 and 2 causes, which are obviously heart disease and cancer, were fairy tales."

There once was a man from Nantucket, his atherosclerosis was so long...

Tuesday, November 17, 2009

False Blood*

I don't get the people that just go home. There are only 3 points in a night that I am aware of, the point when I'm hooking up, the point when they turn the lights on and all the darkseekers run, or the "alright, dan, maybe it's time you went to bed. No, everyplace is closed. No you can't walk home, you will get in this cab. Give me your phone. No, give me your phone. Dan, do not text her, it's 3:30 and she has the bar exam tomorrow. Get in the cab". Who are these people leaving at 1130 when they get "tired"? They exist, I know it, hiding among us, like social vampires, sucking fun away.

*that's a True Blood joke.  I clarify because I came back to edit this and was like, "False blood?  what the hell am I talking about?" 

Thursday, November 5, 2009

I'd call it Godbook, but I think we already have one of those

I bet heaven is just like a big facebook, but there are no privacy settings and there are an infinite number of posted pictures and videos. Sarah, why did you break up with me in 8th grade? Creating and checking an album called "Cheating" did make out with Andy! I fucking knew it! When you get to heaven, I'm gonna post on your Heaven Wall that you stuffed your bra.

Scientific Achievements

I realize that modern medicine has failed us with a cure for a hangover, and I just want you guys to know how hard I'm working on a solution. Just this weekend, I conducted a scientific experiment in which I sat on the couch and ate Chunky Monkey while watching BET and it worked (p<.05). Next week I'm going to try watching the Game Show Network and see if I can't tease apart where the magic is.

Skinny jeans

"This is really good, what's in it?"
"Red pepper, lemon juice, spices, and uh..."
Cucumbers. I can see them in there. The last ingredient you want to say is cucumbers. Just fucking say it Hippie Waiter.
Stop staring off into space, stop day dreaming about indie music and skinny jeans, get back to earth and say the fucking word cucumber.
"Uh, cucumbers"
God you do an impressive amount of drugs.