Tuesday, March 30, 2010

Y= (X squared), where X= the amount of links I can go through on the internet when I should be studying

I did it.  I hit the asymptote of internet procrastinating.  I hit the end and I'm staring off the edge.  I will tell the story, so it can live forever as my last words before I jump off the cliff and enter the procrastination matrix (where I will become Neo and dodge bullets of work, ride a ship of Youtube videos, and fight off hundreds of deadlines with a sign post).

I was searching for the tax form that one must fill out to live in this country and I couldn't remember the numbers.  I searched 1040, because I was fucking right (booyah!) and saw a wikipedia page on 1040.  I clicked on it, interested to see what words of wisdom wiki had about me and my finances, only to find a page on the year 1040.  It listed deaths, births, events, and some other random shit.  I thought to myself, ok, that's a pretty random year to have an entire page dedicated to, but maybe it's because it's a decade, what about 1041? Yep, on there.  Ok, 1341? The year the Queen's college was founded. 211? January- Cao Cao writes Rang Xian Zi Ming Ben Zhi Ling. But surely it can't...2084, the year that Total Recall is supposed to take place.  2158, the year the Central Bureaucracy was established in Futurama.  Tell my family I love them...

Tuesday, March 23, 2010

Go Green, recycle material!

I'm reposting this for the following reasons: 1) I like it 2) I have a test on Friday and don't have time to be bothered with new stuff 3) I like pancakes. 

"To treat sleep disorders, one large component is to improve sleep hygiene. This includes using the bed only for sleep and sex. Exercise helps too", which of course includes sex. I think I'm going to be the leading prescriber of sex. "To be taken twice daily. Once upon waking and once before bed. Taken either orally or through direct injection. Rectal administration is neither indicated, nor contraindicated. Side effects include feelings of awesomeness and babies. If sex lasts for more than four hours, consult your physician for high fives."

Monday, March 22, 2010

Miracle of strife: Part I

Pregnancy sucks.  There are a number of reasons for this statement, but I will focus on the actual delivery because it is more interesting (and comes free if takes more than 30 minutes).

Here you are, a 9 month pregnant chick, who has vomited for weeks, gained 40 lbs., feels like shit half the time, and has had to let the doctor shove her hand up your vagical play land more in under a year than I have in my whole life (because I don't have a vagical play land).  Then you finally hit your big day.  Haven't you?

Ok, the doctor told you if you are having contractions 5 min apart, come in.  Or if your water breaks.  Well you are having some constant pain, maybe it's getting worse every 5 minutes.  Or maybe it's not.  And you are leaking something.  Although with a person kicking your bladder with a force that could create a Chuck Norris joke, you may be just relieving yourself.

Maybe you should just go in.  It's 3:30am and it's all getting pretty bad, just go in.

So you go to Labor and Delivery Traige.  They put you on a monitor.  A monitor that has never proven to change outcomes (but has proven to put Lawyers' children through college), thereby confining you to a bed for the rest of the time you are in the hospital.  But that's a good thing because giving birth confined to a bed is natural.  As we all know, evolutionarily, those that walked around during their birthing experience were in severe danger of getting spotted by the predators already eating your pregnant neighbor who gave birth while staying still.

Then the doctor comes in, shoves her hand in your vagelina jolie, looks at the monitor, smears your personal, home-made goo on a slide and tells you to go home, you aren't in labor.  "Those" aren't contractions, those are pelvic pressure.  "That's" not your water, that's miracle of life vaginal secretions.  Now go home.

You go home. It gets worse.  You come back.  Monitor on, hand in vagelly bean, goo on slide, go home.  Day later.  Monitor, vag hand, goo slide, go. 4 days later.  Monvaggoo...pause, "You are in labor, congrats!  Get in a room."

You get placed in a room.  You can't eat, you can't get up, and it hurts like hell.  This continues for hours.  Every two hours, a doctor comes in (not your doctor by the way, he's at home sleeping) and shoves a hand up there, yanks it out, shakes her head and tells you it's only 4cm dilated.  This is devastating to you.  Mostly because you forgot how to convert centimeters to inches and can hear Mrs. Farmer laughing at you all the way from 7th grade.  Also you know that you need that number to be 10 or that baby ain't coming out. And that number is 4.

More Vagina Jokes Continued in Part 2

Friday, March 19, 2010

Things I've learned on Peds

I think there is a real deficiency in explaining things through puppets these days.  If it worked for words that begin with the letter R, why can't it work for health care or 1040's?  No Elmo, you don't have any kids, so you put a 0 on this line.

Thursday, March 18, 2010

What a stool story!

I don't lie much anymore.  I have no real reason to lie.  I don't have to tell my parents where I just was (the library mom, I told you, we have a presentation and I needed to use the dewey decimal system).  I no longer have real homework, so I don't really have to tell someone about my fictitious, but embarrassing jock itch to get out of turning a paper in by 5pm.  And I've just started admitting I like Justin Timberlake.  So I really don't have many fibs to tell.  Therefore, currently, 95% of the lies I do tell are directly related to me getting away for 5 minutes so I can poo.

"Man, just saw a friend of mine from Chicago; he just started a Masters program here! Talked to him for like 7.23 minutes.  Crazy small world we have!"

"Sorry, my roommate called.  My fish just died.  Are my eyes still red from all the super sensitive crying I was just doing in the bathroom?"

"Sorry I'm late, my dog ate my ability to get here on time."

Wednesday, March 17, 2010

"He got so.........................................................."

When someone is trying to say a word, but it's not coming out, leaving that pause until they find their word, I literally hold my breath with theirs until the next word comes out.  I'm convinced you can kill me that way if you can just hold your breath for a beat longer than I can.  Or really can't find a synonym for, "outrageous".

Monday, March 15, 2010

Set your phasers on hilarious

My peds rotation has brought me to the conclusion that tazers are a bit barbaric when a long range tickle machine would most assuredly accomplish the same thing.

Thursday, March 11, 2010

Beef with Beef

I'd give anything for a roast beef sandwich right now.  Well anything except walking 2 blocks and paying $6 for one.  But like, anything else.

Monday, March 8, 2010

Tweetle dee and tweetle dumb

I just started a Twitter account (because I don't respect myself anymore) and they gave me a rating of, "good" for my chosen password (apparently they don't have a rating of, "awesome").  Is security really that tight on Twitter?  Am I in danger of someone hacking into my Twitter account and falsely telling my friends I'm at the gym when I'm not?  Will everyone erroneously think that I loved Alice in Wonderland when I actually thought it was ok?  No...guys...don't! Don't meet me at Irish Pub at 9!  It's a trap!! For the love of God, man, don't fall for it! I won't be there until 10!!!

Saturday, March 6, 2010

Consumer Right 1

I'm starting a new segment for Medically Challenged (yes I regret this name).  When I was in 8th grade consumer ed, we had to write a company a letter telling them what we thought about their product.  This often resulted in getting whatever complaint we had taken care of, a very apologetic and well crafted response, and shitloads of super awesome free stuff.  I've decided to start this back up with something I'm going to call, Consumer Right:

Dear Apple,

I have to say I have been very satisfied with my iPhone thus far.  It has helped me find the proper exit or bridge several times, settled numerous bets, and gotten me out of that sticky situation in rural Kentucky, you know the one. I still can't shake the smell of maple syrup.  Sure there have been some dropped calls, a glitch or two, and if you made me wait any longer to get picture texts, I was going to punch you right in your single button, but you got your act together and have really done a great Job (get it?  No.  Because you are humorless).

With all that said, I recently ran into a bit of a situation that is, and I don't want to sound too accusatory here, entirely your fault. 

I wrote the following message to a young lady in my life:

"Might be just you and me tonight unless your friends have something fun going on.  Want to do dinner and then back to my place for some Heroes?"

You wrote:

"Might be just you and me tonight unless your friends have something fun going on.  Want to do dinner and then back to my place for some Herpes?"

She is at the gym, you have around 45 minutes to fix this situation before she gets back.  I realize that I could probably rectify this situation myself with a follow up, corrective text, but I'm approaching my limit for the month.  Thank you for your time.


Meat (I also regret this name)

Friday, March 5, 2010


Cutting corners is great until you realize you are the one who is going to be dealing with your bullshit. Thanks Past Meat for being hungover and not organizing any of our notes. Now I have to go back and fix it. I would fire me if I didn't think that I could really use the work.

Tuesday, March 2, 2010

IUD, ironically DUI backwards* Part II

Continued from Part I

Some questions you might have at this point:

If it's so small and effective, how does it work?  Magic.  We really aren't sure, but it is proposed that it causes a local inflammation that confuses and incapacitates the sperm.  Kind of like a Nickelback concert.  The hormonal one has the same hormone as one of the hormones that is in every variation of The Pill, but it's only local so it doesn't work quite like The Pill.

Are there side effects? There are some side effects for sure.  If you have a current cervical infection, the placement of an IUD can lead to a pelvic infection.  But beyond the first 20 days, infection is very rare.  In fact, the hormonal option actually seems to decrease the rate of infections to the upper reproductive tract (i.e. your baby factory).  The hormonal one can cause spotting in between periods but usually this subsides by 6 months (this spotting is common in many birth control options).  The non-hormonal version can cause heavier bleeding, but again, usually subsides by 6 months.  The non-hormonal can also have some increased pain around menstruation, but this typically diminishes too.  It is possible to have the IUD expelled, which would obviously make it not that useful.  It's magical, but not that magical.  The risk isn't very high and you just check every month to make sure the strings are there.  It's also important to note that some beneficial effects of The Pill, decreased acne, decreased hair growth and the such, you don't get with an IUD.  On the flippy side, you don't get the bad parts of The Pill either, blood clots, etc.

How much does it cost?  Around $800.  That seems like a lot but let's do some math 800/(5years *12mo a year)= $13/month.  And for the nonhormonal one, $6.67/month.  Also, some insurance companies cover part or all.

But yo, I'm like super youngs now, and maybe want some babies on the late late, what happens then?  Get your provider to do the ol' pull out method.  Then do the ol' pull out method because your return to fertility (baby makin') is extremely quick, usually within a week (don't actually do the pull out method, that method sucks and is messy).  There are no long term effects on fertility provided there were no complications with the IUD's use.

So what's the problem, you ask?  There really isn't any. The real problem is it just doesn't seem to be popular here. My feeling is that people are just wary of something that other people aren't using when it comes to their bodies.  Women tend to hear about birth control from other women (friends, mom, those secret cult meetings I'm convinced exist) and the IUD isn't popular, so guess what? It isn't popular.

People get a little uncomfortable about having something sitting inside there (The "there" is a uterus.  It is next to a vagina.  Say it with me, "vagina". Now say, "penis".  Now put yo' hands in the air. Wave 'em like you just don't care, Peeenis! Vaagggiina!), even though it's extremely safe; safer than the pill (and much more effective, easier to use, and cheaper in the long run).  But people are pretty quick to have them removed.  15% ask to have it removed for irregular bleeding symptoms, even though, as mentioned, both kinds tend to subside by 6 months and the hormonal version actually decreases bleeding significantly and can even eliminate it (60% have no period after 5 years of use).  So obviously you need to choose for yourself.  And obviously you need to talk to your doctor about it, but if you are looking for cheap, easy, effective, long term birth control, an IUD just might be your guy.

I have one, and I'm loving it.

*you know, because both involve terrible mistakes and can lead to an 18 year loss of freedom when poorly handled.

IUD, ironically DUI backwards*

Women, the weight of the world is on you.  You hold the key to keeping the population (and thus the weight. Get it? You don't?  Oh you think it's a stupid joke?  Well what if that joke thinks YOUR stupid!!...I spelled "you're" wrong didn't I?) of this world down.  This is because the responsibility of birth control lays squarely on your uterus.  It's not fair and it's not right, but if you think about it, it's definitely right.  On the not fair side, we have the fact that the only male-responsible birth control option is condoms, and on the right side, we have the fact that guys fucking suck at taking care of condoms, let alone some pill or doctor's visit.  So even if there were a better male birth control option, the good lord knows we can't possibly trust those shit-head dudes to be in control of it.  In fact, historically, everything we have put males in control of has turned out pretty piss-poor.  We can't even get porn to be good and that's like, our thing.  Let's hope the recent equal opportunity employment  shows some returns soon.

Back to the subject at hand, birth control.  In 1971, a manufacturer came out with something called a "Dalkon Shield", which was an IUD  (or intrauterine device) that was extremely effective at blocking a dude's load of Dalkons.  Unfortunately, it had high infection rates and almost single handedly set the American birth control scene back far enough to be dependent on chastity belts.  This IUD debacle left a burning taste in America's mouth, and, well, their what-whats too, and since then, it has to be the most underutilized, underestimated, underappreciated device of all time. It's the William H. Macey of the contraception world.  And I think it too had a small scene in Jurassic Park III.

So what is this thing that I'm raving about?  Well it's a tiny T shaped instrument that gets placed in the uterus in a relatively easy and painless out patient procedure.  There are two kinds, one with a single hormone (a progestin) and one that has no hormones.  It sits up there with two strings hanging out of the cervix (not visible) that exist to ensure that it's still there and so that it can be easily removed when desired.

Let's see some stats.  It is the most widely used reversible birth control in the world (and basically unheard of in the US) with 156 million users in 2000. It's effectiveness is right around a 0.1% failure rate.  That puts it up there as equivelanent with a tubal ligation.  Let me repeat that.  Taking someone's anatomy and dismantling it has the same effectiveness as this device.  That is like saying it is as effective to bomb the Golden Gate bridge  to prevent people from crossing to San Francisco from Marin County (goddamn Marin Countyers) as it is to place an orange traffic cone in the middle of the road (the non-hormonal IUD is, in fact, orange).  The hormonal one lasts for 5 years (and don't tell no one, but supposedly data supports its use for 7) and the non-hormonal one lasts for 10 years (-cough12cough-).  It has no long term side-effects on fertility and is immediately reversible. It can even be used as a form of emergency contraception for up to 5 days after the deed.  Yeah.  That just happened.

Continued in Part II

*you know, because both involve terrible mistakes and can lead to an 18 year loss of freedom when poorly handled.