Thursday, May 27, 2010

My new idea: a comic strip

Hey man, you're in med school right?  Can you take a look at my rash
Uh, sure.

Rash of some kind.

So am I going to die?
Well I've only taken biochem, but yes
Four letter words!
I meant one day.
(Someone else) I saw your balls!

Tuesday, May 25, 2010

What up dog?

What if we reacted the way dogs do when they see each other? 

"Holy shit! There's someone else from my species!  Ok, calm but alert, calm but alert.  Say the same thing over and over loudly until you get near enough to rub faces.  Great. And now...oh yes, her crotch smells awesome!" 

Actually that's not altogether inaccurate.

Aphrodeezzze fo sheeze

Dear Strawberries,

You did a great job, thanks!



Monday, May 24, 2010

Shame on you, Surprisingly Healthy Twizzlers, for highlighting my lack of self control

It's bad when you look at the nutritional information on your favorite food and find that it's about as healthy as a game of "swallow the cigarettes".

But it's just as bad to look at the nutritional information on your favorite food and find out that it's not that bad; because having only 19 grams of sugar is only comforting for about the first 17 and then Insta-Diabetes* starts to ruin the flavor.

*Insta-Diabetes is a medical term for a type of Diabetes that I made up.

Sunday, May 23, 2010

Embarrassing voyeurism

I think you can ruin almost any song if you just think about someone watching you listen to it.

Tuesday, May 18, 2010

Crucial decisions

"Obama lost sleep over the decision".  That's not really garnering my sympathy, CNN.  Meat, "lost sleep" over a crucial foul call this weekend.  There was a massive sleep loss due to an intense bout of YouTube last night. Just a few weeks ago, I agonized most of the night over how many more episodes of The Office Season 3 I should get through.  Will Jim and Pam get together?!?! ...I mean in Season 3. I can't remember if they get together in Season 3 or Season 4.  That's why I'm rewatching it at 2am.  Come to think of it, I lost a lot of frozen pizza over that decision as well.

Thursday, May 13, 2010

Notable quotables.

You and your friend's conversations are boring, stereotypical for your group dynamic, and annoying to the people around you in comparison to the conversations me and my friends have, which are notable for being awesome.

Wednesday, May 12, 2010

You have been tagged in a photo, click here to judge yourself

I have never once looked at a group picture and looked at anyone else in the group until at least the third time of staring at myself.  You might as well send me a cropped shot.

Tuesday, May 11, 2010

Monday, May 10, 2010

I'm a flip flopper

Because this* video means so much to me, I've decided to provide the missing internal commentary to it.  If you are wondering how I know what he's thinking, I'm on psych right now, so I'm telepathic.

0:01- That's my fucking sandal!

0:06- Careful now, don't want to put it on too hastily.

0:10- Better test the top and make sure that feels like my sandal.

0:13- It is my sandal, for sure.  I'll pick it up for safety, but I'll have to be closer to the ground for this to go well.

0:14-24- For 10 seconds, I'm going to practice grasping my sandal.  I cannot mess this up.

0:24- Whoa guy! I got this.

0:29- Test run.  Feels good.  Definitely my fucking sandal. Go for it...go for it.

0:34- All I can say is, thank god that's over.

0:36- Pheww.

0:38- Alright, got the sandals on, sunglasses still there.  Deep breath.  Let's make a move, slick, let's make a move...

0:44- Oh shit! Gravity!

0:45- Girl: Are you ok?
Me: Gravity just took my fucking sandals!
Girl: Gravity?
0:50- Me: You've never heard of gravity!?!  It's the tits, but like, gotta respect it or she'll rip  the sandals right off your feet.
Girl: Oh ok, we'll all watch out for that.
1:00- Me: Yeah, you gotta block it, like this.
Girl: Great, thanks.
Me: No problem

1:08- That's my fucking sandal!

1:09- Almost...reach...push through barrier it!

1:11- Oh shit.  That's my fucking sandal!

1:16- Got 'em.  Now I'll just drop them and expect them to land perfectly aligned.

1:17- And they did.

1:22- Left on.

1:32- Only 10 seconds for the right, not too shabby.

1:35- Oh good, my cheering section finally showed up.  Thumbs up to them.  Gravity.  Thumbs up.

1:38- Aaaaaannnd strut off for a drink.

*Note:Open the link in a new window. If anyone knows how to make those bits link to the actual video bits, I'm listening.  By reading. Your answer.  So provide it. Another acceptable answer would be to tell me how to embed the video.  Which I currently cannot do.

Saturday, May 8, 2010

Technology changes, dirty words don't

When people get nervous, the sympathetic stimulation that results, narrows the mind's eye to a pretty sharp focus making normal reasoning and outside the box thinking amazingly difficult (to simplify an extremely complicated process and nonchalantly link nanometer sized neurotransmitters to the entire conscious being that is the mind, but hey, that's pop psychology for you.  Thanks Blink).  Additionally, even simple and ergonomically designed electronics are massively foreign when you haven't seen them before.  Apparently "intuitive" to engineers somehow doesn't quite translate to everyone else.  Who knew.

All of this leads to some of my favorite moments in med school in which one of our professors, who invented and then subsequently cured cancer, stands in front of 150 twenty somethings and loses his shit when the smart board doesn't quite work, unleashing words he hasn't used since his residency in the 1800s, and eventually gives up for the chalk board.

Keeping up with my artistic side in med school

Thursday, May 6, 2010

Testing my patients

It is very frustrating in med school when you read the clinical vignette (a medical term for, "story".  Because we can never let anyone know what the hell we are talking about) for a test question and as you are reading the symptoms, you think, "Alport's Syndrome!  Boom! got this one, it is definitely going to be Alport's syndrome", then the next line of the question is, "You diagnose this as Alport's syndrome..."

Fucking great.  That was it, that was all I knew about Alport's syndrome, the fucking presentation.  Now, whatever the next part of this question is, I am guaranteed not to know.  You just exhausted my supply of Alport's knowledge.  What?  What do you want, Test?  What asinine thing do you want to know about Alport's?

"...the sensitivity of ultrasound in diagnosing severe renal disease in Alport's syndrome is NOT similar to the following ranges of numbers expressed as the filled in rows of this Friday's 5 Star sudoku:"

Monday, May 3, 2010

Maybe they are sponsoring me, but it's a double blind sponsorship...

My favorite drug in the world is Placebo.  I would love to be sponsored by Placebo.  It's the cheapest drug on the market, has virtually no side effects (it genuinely does have some side effects amazingly enough. Real, honest to god, statistically significant side effects), works on literally every disease it has ever been used on, including cancer, and is the most delicious tasting of all drugs ever created.  The only Big Pharma company I would be supporting is Mars, or Nestle, maybe Brach. And if your nephew gets into a big old bottle of placebo, you will only have to deal with him getting real psyched up for a few hours...or you would have to deal with that if the hyperactivity of excess sugar weren't just a placebo effect*.

*Although if it is a placebo effect, then it would happen, but not because of the sugar in Placebo, but because of the placebo in Placebo.  "That kid is all hyped up!  He had way too much placebo at his birthday party.  It was 'prescription drug abuser'-themed.  He was being Brett Favre and took it too far.  I called Poison Control. They told me to make him eat his vegetables and not to ruin his dag ol' appetite befo' supper."