Sunday, February 28, 2010

Interests: hiding from ghosts, attacking parking meters, feeding buildings

Whenever I see one of those narly, nut ball homeless people, with tinfoil in their hair, dragging a broken fax machine around by the cord like a dog, I love to think about what they were like in grade school. Were they the kid that ate paint? Or were they the one secretly popping the heads off the barbies?  I hope facebook allows us to find out one day.

Saturday, February 27, 2010


I'm gonna say it.  It's not popular, and you're gonna boo and throw shit at me, but I'm gonna say it anyway.  The Olympics aren't that great (ducks a shoe).  Frankly, it's not really that fun to watch, it's just "cool" to like the olympics.

I think this is most evidenced by the fact that you can turn on the tv after 4 years, know tops 3 names for the entire two weeks and yet somehow you can tout your status as, "Olympic's Fanatic" with gusto.  "Oh this guy, he's the favorite, he got silver last time and trained really hard after his broken wrist when they said he wouldn't make it". Yo, I can fucking understand English too, the announcer just said that.  And let me guess, your favorite is the underdog American?  Or wait, no, this year, it's a Haitian.  

The fact that you can say, "I just like all the sports!", how is that ok in sports world? That would be like me saying yeah, I'm a huge pro sports fan.  I love it when those professionals get up there and are really professional at their sport.  With their amazing shots, and swings, and ability to Jai Alai real good.

Sometimes the sport is just them running for 2 hours.  You are cheering for the worst part of every other sport.  The part that happens in between the sport.  Or the ski jump.  How is that a sport?  It's a pissing contest.  Like...really.  Don't get me wrong, I would love to see who can jump the farthest in the world, and if I got the chance, I'd watch it live, but I would also love to see who can piss the farthest.  And I'd probably go see that live too.  But I don't need a massive ceremony and a big torch.  I need beer.  And maybe something with melted cheese on it.

"It's the everyman's sport."  Yeah of course it fucking is.  It has basketball and figure skating.  They cover all bases.  I'm suprised they haven't gotten the Food Network involved or had olympic Sex and the City trivia.

Let's just call it what it is.  You like it because it's every four years, which is sexy and abusive. You can't go wrong with the cheering, you don't know anyone from another country.  And no one can make you feel stupid because if you can pronounce a single foreign participant's name correctly, you can make the Sportscenteriest dude in your office seem like he quickly needs to learn some indy bands or no one will respect his uniqueness.  Here's to another 4 (2) year wait.

Monday, February 22, 2010

"Green effort". Or, "Jealous trying too hard".

Everytime I do something that is publicly disagreeable, even if no one cares and no one says a thing, I recite the justification for me being an asshole in my head.  I go through a whole fictitious argument:

"One large coffee?  For here or to go?"
"To go, thanks"
"You know, I see you in here every weekend and you stay for hours, you really should just get a cup for here, it will help with the green effort."
"Oh well every time I do, I bump the table and spill coffee on my notes, which sucks.  Plus I end up throwing the notes out so in the end I waste just as much paper."
"Good point"
"Yeah.  And really I am being green because I reuse the cup"
"Oh?  How so?"
"Well when I leave, I fill it with water and drink out of that for awhile.  Then later I cut it up and give it to a bird to use as a nest.  Then, after the bird dies, I climb the tree and recycle the paper.  Then, as I'm climbing down the tree, I plant another tree.  And the whole time I don't breath out carbon dioxide.  See?  I'm not an asshole.  I'm super green and everyone should like me."
"Don't worry, everyone does.  We knew why you were doing it, we just wanted to hear you say it because your logic is so sound, it's like music.  Plus your breath smells like a Vegan Prius."

I was put on time-out for 10 minutes. I will never forget. Ever.

I was just instructed on the definitive, evidence based, therapeutic dose for putting a child on a time-out.  Apparently (this is actually in my book), "1 minute per year of age, with a max of 5 minutes".  Anything over 5 minutes has been shown to cause life threatening pouting and rapid-response crayon drawings of meanie faces.

Thursday, February 18, 2010

Blowing off some steam-building exercises

Work provides a really unique opportunity.  See you choose your friends, so you can't bitch about them too much.  Your family isn't a choice, but you kind of love them no matter what.  Now strangers can fuck with you and piss you off, but they are transient and not worth much energy.  But co-workers?  That's where you can really stretch your legs and do some serious, grade-A shit talking.

Monday, February 15, 2010

Got a quarter?

I have a pager.  So far I have received one page.  From me.  Trying to find my pager because I already lost it.

Friday, February 12, 2010

Hiro's Quest

I posted this on craigslist today after a week that can only be described as, "smarmy" in its demands of me.  If I could just time travel, I would deal with things that way, but I can't.  Fuck you, Unattainable Time Travel.*

*that dag ol' craigslist flagged and deleted this, so I'm reposting it here:

In need of someone to come by my house and work for a few days by taking over my life. I'm willing to pay $200/day for someone to dress like me and show up for a few shitty things I have to do over the next couple of days. Duties will include:

1) Trying to find a gift and place for dinner for Valentines Day. I think my girlfriend likes necklaces. I will provide access to her facebook profile to confirm.

2) Taking crap about a project that is done, but the project manager keeps thinking that there is something that needs to be fixed. For the days you are on duty, you will have to decipher his cryptic edits and turn them into a few sentences added and a few sentences deleted that, in the end, still say just about the exact same thing.

3) Finally fixing that shelf that you (I) vowed to take care of this weekend.

4) Answering emails and texts. Do not worry about answering the phone, I never do.

Perks include:

1) Getting to wear my clothes for a few days. For Christmas I got a really nice hat and glove set.

2) I would probably get drunk sometime this weekend, you may do that for me.

3) Although you may not sleep with my girlfriend, if she wants to hold hands, you can do that. She has soft skin.

4) Use of my smart phone. It has a cool background picture of a concert from when I was young and carefree and has an app for Sudoku that I bought for $.99.

I realize that for the hours worked, this is hardly a good hourly wage, but I think it's important to realize that you will really only do a max of maybe 3 hours real work in any given day.

Thursday, February 11, 2010

Genie in a Speculum

I see so much vagina on OB/GYN.  It's one of those be careful what you wish for things.  "Oh you really want to see vagina?  All the time?  Here.  Here's a vagina, she's 52 and is having atrophic vaginitis.  And another one, this one's a 32 year old, 39 week pregnant woman who just broke her water.  Have them.  All the vagina you can ask for.  All you have to do is shove this terribly painful metal object inside them and they are yours to view.  They are in pain so you can visualize their parts.  Visualize them and evaluate them for disease. Is that what you wanted 13 year old Meat?  Is that what you wished for after you found your first Playboy?  MWAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA"  (Meat writhes in the corner of the exam room while the camera slowly zooms out and ominous music plays.)

Tuesday, February 9, 2010

Girl Goggles

I know what you're thinking, you're not like the other girls. They all suck at telling how hot another girl is, but not you, you're different. You grew up with 3 brothers.  You basically have a dick.  Dude, you'd totally bang Angelina if you got the chance. You can rate girls just like guys can. 

But no, you're wrong. You can't.  You suck at it.  All we are hearing from your "objective" assessment of her attractiveness is a subjective assessment of how much you like her. Now stop trying to set me up with your nice friends and invite annoying Jenn out.

Monday, February 8, 2010

Hair Drug For Men

My buddy started losing his hair when he was 20.  He was in denial for a year or so before the Ghost of Christmas Bald came to him, showed him the hair in his sink and a picture of James Carville, and the next day he was like "oh fuck no" and started on Finesteride (Propecia).  Finesteride is a really great drug that works by stopping the formation of a chemical derivative of testosterone that's only purpose in life seems to be to cause men's hair to fall out and their prostates to grow (earning this chemical the nickname, "The Cock Block", or in medical terms, "Cockblocksterone", which makes Finesteride the first pharmaceutical wingman.).  Finesteride has worked great for him and it has virtually halted his hair loss.  Its only downside, 70 bucks a month.  Although that is a relatively small price to pay to not be asked if you would, "like help carrying those groceries to the car" before age 30, as I think many men would agree, but unfortunately it's a lifer drug.  So, doing the math, he is paying $33,600 to not be bald by 60.  Suddenly a boob job isn't seeming so crazy, is it?

Thursday, February 4, 2010

Novel Girl

Hey, look who it is! Another Sunday in the Library back-room? Me too. I brought you a coffee, figured you'd need it. I was gonna get lunch at 1, interested? No? Because we've never talked and in reality I'm just staring at you like I do every Sunday and you are a little creeped out by me? Yeah that's cool.  Maybe another time.

Wednesday, February 3, 2010


There are some really awesome stories in the history of medicine, but I think my absolute favorite is Viagra. It was originally designed as a blood pressure med in Scotland, so they tested it on cows. Then they noticed a side effect in the cows that was medically referred to as, "hilarious".

Monday, February 1, 2010

Most bumpin' closet ever!

You know when they say someone is gay and they just don't know it yet? I never understood that until I was personally outed as a techno fan by Pandora. 
"Hey, why do all my stations end up playing RJD2 and Digitalism?" 
"Maybe you should come with us to this 'special' bar this weekend.  Here, you'll need this glow stick."