Friday, February 12, 2010

Hiro's Quest

I posted this on craigslist today after a week that can only be described as, "smarmy" in its demands of me.  If I could just time travel, I would deal with things that way, but I can't.  Fuck you, Unattainable Time Travel.*

*that dag ol' craigslist flagged and deleted this, so I'm reposting it here:

In need of someone to come by my house and work for a few days by taking over my life. I'm willing to pay $200/day for someone to dress like me and show up for a few shitty things I have to do over the next couple of days. Duties will include:

1) Trying to find a gift and place for dinner for Valentines Day. I think my girlfriend likes necklaces. I will provide access to her facebook profile to confirm.

2) Taking crap about a project that is done, but the project manager keeps thinking that there is something that needs to be fixed. For the days you are on duty, you will have to decipher his cryptic edits and turn them into a few sentences added and a few sentences deleted that, in the end, still say just about the exact same thing.

3) Finally fixing that shelf that you (I) vowed to take care of this weekend.

4) Answering emails and texts. Do not worry about answering the phone, I never do.

Perks include:

1) Getting to wear my clothes for a few days. For Christmas I got a really nice hat and glove set.

2) I would probably get drunk sometime this weekend, you may do that for me.

3) Although you may not sleep with my girlfriend, if she wants to hold hands, you can do that. She has soft skin.

4) Use of my smart phone. It has a cool background picture of a concert from when I was young and carefree and has an app for Sudoku that I bought for $.99.

I realize that for the hours worked, this is hardly a good hourly wage, but I think it's important to realize that you will really only do a max of maybe 3 hours real work in any given day.


Nicholas said...

Quit yer bitching and see that patient already. His knee hurts.

Kramer said...

Brilliant blog. I'm stealing the idea.