Oh great Loan Forgiveness

Oh great Loan Forgiveness, please look upon my weak soul, know that I have sinned, and forgive me for my past borrowances.

I am but a meek and mortal man; feeble and childlike in the face of the temptations of earth.  Most regularly, I would find myself tempted by the flesh and evil-delights of this world like food and wireless internet.  During my trite schooling, I was forced to borrow great sums of money from you, all so that I could shame my loathly self by paying for a bus when I could have walked in the rain or purchasing ice cream after my meal of rice and cheap meats.  Once...oh it's so hard to admit, I celebrated the termination of a semester by paying for alcohol at a bar.  Perhaps it was even more than once; I dare not think too deeply on such matters lest I should find myself gazing on my black soul.

And these transgressions; these pitiful displays of my beastial soul, have left me in oh such great debt to your kindness.  I find myself with much for you to forgive.  More than I can really think about.  Or later pay, which is kind of where you come in.

But oh there is more!  Whether it is my weak soul that sours my mind or a small and worthless mind that allows my soul to get so filthy, I cannot begin to know, but I do know that this weak mind is not allowing me to really get how these loans work.  I have oh so many loans, and all seem to be different, with many of your cryptic abbreviations.  Abbreviations that I am sure you will have explained to me in full whence this dreary life has ended and I am in your ultimate light.  And out of your debt.  But until that time occurs, I am greatly confused by them and when the grace period starts and ends and if something different needs to be done for my undergrad loans and why you randomly capitalize parts of loan names.

I have spent a great deal of time studying your parchments and texts and .gov pages, but to no avail.  Please, oh great Loan Forgiveness, send me one of your earthly priests who is wise in the ways of Perkins Loans and Grad PLUS to tell me what is best financially for my future.  Or possibly just go ahead and forgive them now and I'll be like, super grateful.  Either way oh great Loan Forgiveness.