I would have called it "Statulence"

There is a scent by Justin Beiber called, "Someday".  The ad is a clearly much older woman whispering in his ear.

I believe she's saying, "it's only illegal if you prosecute".  And she should know, she'll be an attorney if she can finally pass the bar.

I guess the word HIPAA is kind of funny

I hate when a patient has a hilarious name.  I want to tell the world about Ying Ding Woody Wang (dangerously close to a real patient's name), but that would be a violation of HIPAA, a government agency that makes sure health care providers don't share hilarious names.

How to get out post call; or How to be professionally unprofessional

I haven't posted anything in almost a month. See right now I'm doing a "Sub I" in my chosen specialty and they are taking no shortcuts on mercilessly beating the shit out of me.

See I'm on call literally every other day.  That means every day of my life, I'm either on call (staying over night with a pager and a sticker on my forehead that says, "your bitch") or post-call (the day after call, when you haven't slept).  This means that I've taken more call than any other human on earth in a 2 month period. Like seriously.

So with that experience, I'm going to take on one of the top 5 med student challenges. How to get out post-call. 

Often, post-call, residents and attendings don't actually realize you are post-call (or there).  Since you aren't calling the attendings and chiefs relentlessly all night, they don't know you are on hour 30; and the girl who took call with you is a real resident and has work hour restrictions, so she went home hours ago and can't get your back.  This leaves you in the awkward position of trying to get people to notice you are post-call without mentioning that you want to go home.  If you mention it, they may think you are uninterested and give you a bad grade for not working hard for 30+ straight hours like some sort of mortal. You need a strategy:

1. Pick one case from overnight and talk about it relentlessly. It will seem like you are super interested and also super there.  Try to use it in every conversation.  "Yeah, let's get lunch.  You know who else had lunch? That guy who came in at 2am when I was here.  I know so, because I took such a good history that I found out he ate Thai food, which isn't usual for him.  Might have caused his stroke.  Who knows."

2. Never shower.  This is tempting.  You feel disgusting and want to shower.  Also, you are disgusting.  But resist the urge.  Instead, put on a nice potent deoderant or axe body spray or serious perfume.  The mix of 30 hour musk and Red Zone makes someone think twice when you walk past.  They will say, "Is that kid homeless? Wait, maybe he was on call."  Goes without saying, do not brush your hair.  Just look like you tried to brush your hair, but gave up when you fell asleep in the bathroom.  Which I recommend.

3. Pick a post call look and stick to it.  I only wear glasses post call.  I never shave post call.  I chew gum aggressively post call.  If I could walk around without pants post call, I would.   Motherfucker, these glasses mean I haven't slept; stop asking me to fill out discharge documents.

4.  Save one task for the morning.  That way, when a resident says, "hey are you doing anything?  It's kind of scut work, but I have something for you." You can respond, "Yeah definitely! Let me just finish this post-op check from last night, then I'll be happy to do your paper work for you, you prick".  Leave that last part out, but the first part is gold.

5. Run.

6.  Ask if the coolest resident needs anything.  There is one resident who all his friends from home always say, "how the hell is he a doctor?"; that's your guy.  That guy channels his desire to go home into getting you home.  Find him (he has long hair and Nike kicks) and see if he needs anything.  His first thought when he sees you will be, "are you post call?" and then he will cover your ass while you sneak out before noon conference.

That's it for now. Since I'm post call writing this, I think it's only appropriate to post this in its raw form, unedited.  Also, I really need to post something.

Why community will sadly fail

If you haven't watched Community, it is a fantastic show.  The writing and the characters are the best since [insert show with writing and characters that are really good.  Probably something from the 90's.  Saved by the Bell.], and the show does unbelievable themed episodes: crushing zombies, spot on post-apocalyptic action movies, and nails the "documentary" style show (i.e. The Office).  The jokes come fast and the delivery is perfect.  Abed and Troy are clearly actual friends and the most dynamic duo since Turk and JD (plus Donald Glover, "Troy" is right on the verge of becoming massive*).


But, the big problem with the show, is that the drama sucks. That isn't really a problem, because it's a comedy.  The problem is that shows like this, comedies, need relationship,     it's the thing that keeps it together.  The stickiness.

Look at the best comedies, they all have a bit of drama. The Simpsons definitely has it (or had it).  Homer got his job after almost committing suicide for failing his family; Marge and Homer have separated countless times; Bart sings to Lisa on her birthday; Homer saves Barney.  Seinfeld has Jerry and Elaine, plus all of the characters had good relationships with each other.  Family guy has it, The Office beats it to death (and notice now that the Pam and Jim thing is done, the show suffers), and Arrested Development rocked it with every character.


There is only one good show I can think of that doesn't really have any relationship, Southpark.  Maybe I'm wrong, I don't remember the show that well, but I can't pinpoint any real relationship in that show.  So how do they work as a show?  Zany.  Non-stop zany.  They can make episodes lightning fast and can just pick anything in the news and rip it to shreds.  Pick a subject, make non-stop jokes without limit, end episode. The show is pretty much a 22 minute long Conan opening with cartoon characters.


And that's what Community is doing.  Non-stop jokes for the episode, delivered perfectly, with awesome themes.  But no relationship. They tried the Britta/Jeff thing, they tried the love-triangle, they tried the sad Pierce, the sad Shirley etc.  They all failed. And they know it, it's why they dropped all of those story lines.  Their writers know this, so they keep trying different angles of drama (which is predicated on relationships) and they keep failing.    They have moved on to moves that are reserved for season 6 or 7.  Self-referencing, calling out characters on their classic moves, call-backs to past episodes. They succeed at the zany, but it's not sustainable. They can't do it like Southpark.  Southpark picks from whatever is hot and kills it.  Community can't do that.  They do genres and character jokes, and they will eventually run out.  Thus they will fail.  So soak it up while you can; there will not be another show like it.

*Note: Donal Glover wrote for 30 rock, does great stand up http://comedians.jokes.com/donald-glover, and is the oddly serious rapper Childish Gambino.  Give him 6 months.

NY: where stuff is.

Time for a tirade on New York.  I was born in Chicago and I think the first thing the doctor said to me was, “heard of New York?  You will”.  Someone posted this: “Philadelphia is like the Toon version of New York.”  NYC must be the single most egocentric place on earth and it has no right to be.  Philly is not a mini-version of New York, it’s the oldest city in the fucking US.  I’ve been in Philly for 3 years now, and although I have no loyalty to it and want to punch a Phillies fan just as hard as you do, it is a city that is probably 10 times as great as NYC.  In fact, every city I’ve ever been to is better than New York.  I’m a city snob, and I only count about 10 US cities as real cities, Boston, Philly, Miami, Chicago, San Francisco, LA, Atlanta, a few others; so my list is considerably shorter, but they are literally all better than New York. 

If you chose a color for every city, Green for Boston, Red for Philly, some color you’ve probably never heard of for San Francisco, you know what color New York would get?  Brown.  New York is what happens when you start a coloring book and then monster a few pixie sticks and go ape shit with the box.  It looks like shit, it feels like shit, but yes, you did it, all the colors are there.  How novel.

Now, I’m the first to admit the relevance and necessity of NYC.  I get it, it’s fun as hell to go out in, it’s got everything you could want, it’s the functional epicenter of the US, arguably the Western World.  I would live there in a heartbeat.  But that’s because I have a short list of cities.  Cleveland is not on my list of cities.  If I had a choice of living in Cleveland or New York, I’m not suicidal; all of my mental faculties are in place.  I would be in New York.  But if it’s New York or Miami, someone order me something bright and frooty.  I would live there because it’s a real city and I need to be in a real city, not because it’s the tits. It is not even one tit. It’s a shit hole.  It’s greatness is only because everyone is there.  It has no intrinsic value.  It’s bland and messy.  It has no character.  If we could just get everyone to get up and go somewhere else, then we could finally stop talking about it.  But we can’t.  So fuck it.  Someone get me a slice of mediocre pizza and an overpriced beer, I’ll be in Brooklyn if you need me.