Saturday, May 16, 2009

cheater part 3

On my walk home I pass house after house of the these undergrad frat guys, theater kids, athletes. Every time the temperature warms up a degree, the beer pong tables are out, grills light up, bubble dresses get sported. They always take up the whole sidewalk and it's like come on, some of us are PLEASE! Please ask me if I want a beer! I do! I do want a beer! Let me have a game. Fuck it, one throw, just one throw. I'm imprisoned in the real world, can't you see it on my face?!? I'm crying out for help here. One beer. Please...please

In the library, I was looking at big board of student ads and stumbled upon this poster (verbatim), "Build-your own STD bake sale!"...what? Wait, I...what? What am I building? How are baked goods involved? Is it like a choose your own adventure for STDs? "You have chosen Sarah. You now have herpes. Would you like to A) See a doctor B) Reenter the party C) Respond to another Craig's List ad." I'm going to have so many questions when I show up drunk.

During a sex lecture, someone in my class asked what douching was. I'll take this one Doc. Afflicting "adult" males, douching symptoms include popping one's collar, calling another human, "bro", and wearing a body spray of any kind. Although rarely fatal, Douche Flu can be severe and lead to aggressive behavior followed by hugs ("but not the gay kind"), a poorly used gym membership, and a bunch of friends who don't really like them anymore. Suspected individuals should be quarantined and told that a fraternity is not really forever.

I think 8 hours of work can best be characterized by the punctuated equilibrium model. Massive stretches of meandering, half-work punctuated by 15 minute bursts of intense productivity, quickly followed by several more hours of facebook and gchat. Don't fight it, it's evolution.

"To treat sleep disorders, one large component is to improve sleep hygiene. This includes using the bed only for sleep and sex. Exercise helps too, which of course includes sex. I think I'm going to be the leading prescriber of sex. "To be taken twice daily. Once upon waking and once before bed. Taken either orally or through direct injection. Rectal administration is neither indicated, nor contraindicated. Side effects include feelings of awesomeness and babies. If sex lasts for more than four hours, consult your physician for high fives."

Coffee lowers your risk of Parkinson's disease, contains the most anti-oxidants per volume of any food or drink, and can improve performance and alertness. Not to mention the acute health improvements associated with me not punching you in the face. I'm tired and I'm late, stop texting and move the fuck out of my way.

"Hey there are bagels in the back room if you're hungry!" Nope. I just went back there. There are no bagels. There is cream cheese. There are knives. And then there is a giant bag of round fluffy breaded things with goo swirled all around, diseased with raisins, pulsating with cinnamon-raisin flavored disappointment. Don't fuck with me, Leader of Meeting that Just Ended, I will stab you with a plastic smearing utensil.

Time for a pep talk, Body. We fell asleep in class today. 3 times. Once in small group. There were 6 other people in that room. I'm willing to overlook that, but then last night, we were in bed for like 2.5 hours just lying there, trying to fall asleep. And did you let us fall asleep? No, you kept jumping awake with a start. We just simply can't have that, Body, can we? This hurts you as much as it hurts me, but I'm going to have to drown you with alcohol this weekend. Ok? I'm sorry. I hate to be the bad guy. We cool?

When you name a formula, an disease, or a psychological phenomenon after yourself you are imprinting your name in the history books forever. You are also guaranteeing that every single student who has to memorize your stupid fucking name will hate you forever.

I keep learning about diseases and thinking things like, "Hey, Kenny's sister has Lupus! I should totally text him!" No. No I shouldn't text him about how much I know about his sister's devastating illness. I should sit here quietly and continue to learn about Lupus.

The other day I got to suture fake brain layers using a multi-million dollar surgical robot. When I was a kid I wanted to grow up to be a firetruck. Ding-ding, Fire!

From that first college final to that last annual report before retirement, it is the right of every man to display stress in his life by growing facial hair. Fuck off, Mach-3, I've got a deadline!

Hey Brain, how's it going? You doin' ok? You sure? You want a soda? No, you don't want a soda? Good, great, because if we ever spend 2 hours memorizing 25 different bacteria and their 6 important features, only to come back from lunch not remembering a single goddamn one, I will stab you with a fucking Q-tip. I'm not kidding, I will mess you up, you son of a bitch.

Feet, if you are going to be freezing, then Armpits, you cannot be sweating. You may choose one or the other, but not both. You have 5 minutes to decide.

"Diarrheal illnesses are often spread through fecal-oral transmission" ...Um, could you elaborate on that a little further? I get the fecal part, and the oral makes sense, it's the dash that I'm a bit curious about.

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