Monday, August 8, 2011

Please don't take all of my hatred the wrong way

I realize that my post about my sub I makes me sound very bitter and begs the question, "why are you doing this?"  And also, "please don't go anywhere near me if I'm in the hospital."  Those are legit concerns.  But let me reassure you, that was me bitching about the amount of work I'm doing and the basic quality, not me bitching about my future work.  Let me shed a different light on it.

I fucking love the OR.  I really do.  I once heard this melodramatic, masturbatory statement, "If you can think of yourself doing anything besides surgery, surgery isn't for you".  The same thing is told to ninjas before they start their training, imagines brain surgeon.  Get over yourself.

But, it is a really brutal life during residency and if you don't love the OR, it's just not worth the pain.  I don't get to do much in the OR.  I regularly stare down a tiny hole, in which at best, I can see some fat for 5 hours, just so at the end of the case I can tie a few knots.  Most of which will be cut out because they aren't tight enough and that layer of fat needs to be tightly tied to that other layer of fat.  But two things.  One, it is worth it.  I love tying those knots and suctioning that blood and irrigating that wound enough that I'm willing to wait until I climb the ladder.  And two, the shit I'm watching, if I can see, is awesome.  Being a surgeon and being a med student interested in surgery are two totally different things.

No one likes watching someone else do something, particularly not the A-type* personalities that go into the surgical specialties.  You have to imagine yourself on the other side of the body, the dude with his hands inside the human.  The lady under the microscope.  Those are the people you have to want to be.  If you want that, and can deal with mostly watching for a few years, surgery is for you.

And it is for me.  I love it and it's worth all of the pain.

People often comment that I'm a masochist for doing what I'm doing.  No, I just find the pain to be less painful than others, so the pain to pleasure ratio is in my favor (I guess the same can be said for masochists, but let's not get into a philosophical argument about the true nature of pain and pleasure). I'm allowed to bitch about paying 70 grand a year to work over 100 hours doing virtually nothing.  I earned that right, and in turn, earn that right to be the one elbow deep in a person**. Plus, I dropped out of ninja school and don't know what else to do.

*note: The A stands for asshole.  ADHD. Arrogant.  Get me a thesaurus and look up Douche-bag. 
**note: I'm going into neurosurgery, if I'm elbow deep inside someone, something has gone terribly wrong.

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