Challenge: Describe anal sex without using the term anal and still sound professional

Me: "Do you have vaginal, oral or anal sex"
Patient: "Anal sex? What's that"
...
...
...
Blink
...
Me: "Uh"
...
Me: "You know vaginal sex?"
Patient: "Yeah"
Me: "Uh, the uh, other...one..." (extremely vague hand gestures)
Patient: "What?"
Me: "When you put it in the butt."
Patient: "Oh yeah, I definitely do that."

I put them in Penn binders, just in case I forget what school I attend

I still keep all of my notes just in case I want to go back and take medical school again.

Taste buddies

I need to start asking sales people more questions, just to get a better feel for what kind of person I'm dealing with.

Oh you like this messenger bag best? Well from our earlier discussion, you like Creed and think that Power Rangers was a better show than Ninja Turtles, take your shitty bag back to the backroom and find me something in a nice Raphael Red*.

*Note: other options for this joke would be: Michaelorangelo, Donaturple, Blue-onardo

Hi, I'm the medical student who is both working on your team and probably taking that bed next to you.

It's always fun when you walk into a patient's room after hearing they have some vague complaint like, "stomach pain", and, after 15 minutes of talking to them, you realize they likely have some massively contagious viral gastroenteritis that commonly starts with stomach pain only to turn into days of vicious diarrhea and frat worthy projectile vomiting.  Hmm, I see a blood pressure cuff machine, an oxygen tank with nasal cannula, where's the machine that turns back time so I can put on a mask and gown?

Gnomebody knows the trouble I've seen

I get all of my bullshit spam email between 1 and 4am.  It's not real spam, it's spam I deserve, Amazon, Borders, STA, things I actually signed up for. Things I will get for the rest of my life that will cause me no actual harm, but must be annoyingly eliminated every so often (not all together unlike herpes).  When they do come (the spam, not the herpes), it's always over night.  I inevitably wake up to 2-3 emails that have been dropped in my inbox while slumbering or beamed in at that exact second I turned to make a sandwich while drunk after the bars close.  It's like the Spam Gnome, waiting patiently behind that last tab for the perfect opportunity to swoop in and offer me free shipping.

(Or Gnome herpes.)