Sunday, July 11, 2010

Holey Jesus

My Girlfriend, from My Life, asks,

Why do all of your clothes have holes in them?

Good question girlfriend.  I think it's a combination of a couple of factors.  First and foremost, I would like to cite laziness.  Never underestimate the power of laziness.

Yes, I'm aware that the Gap is literally  around the corner from me, but you have no idea the kind of effort that goes into having to walk inside the store.  There's the walking part.  The looking at stuff part.  The trying on things part.  Oh god, and the pay for stuff part?  What the hell is that about?  Swipe. Would you like credit or debit? Sign. Do you want your receipt?  Jesus, what is this, the census report?  Stop asking questions and give me my shitty clothes.

Next I would like to refer to nostalgia.  Er, not nostalgia.  What's it when it's like nostalgia in that you like it because you've had it for awhile, but in reality, you don't give a shit about it?  Complacency? I'd like to refer to complacency.  Here you might say, well isn't complacency pretty much just laziness again?  Yes, probably.  Now shut up (not you, Girlfriend, I want to continue to sleep with you.  I meant someone else!).

An important question I should address is why the holes are actually there.  Bicycle, wallet, a pen, drinking, I'm not sure about that one, cat, splintered wood, gamma-ray induced enlargement when angry, sledding, I just saw a picture of me in those pants from 2006 so I'll attribute that to just pure wear; plus I know I didn't buy that shit in 2006.

Finally, social acceptance.  It has come to my attention that these holes are not socially acceptable, so why does that not drive me to improve?  I recently learned that it is not socially acceptable to still have Ninja Turtle paraphernalia and that I should probably grow up and buy an umbrella, too.

Sounds like a big case of "my life is boring, join me" syndrome (not you, Girlfriend, someone else!).  Listen to yourself (not you, Gf, se!), you sound like my mom (nyGse!) and should be ashamed of yourself (ny!).  Grow up on your own(!), I have a bowl of cereal to eat and some cartoons to watch.  Isn't there some sort of meeting your need to go to or some kids from soccer practice that need picking up (oh please god not you, Girlfriend.  I hope I meant someone else)?

On the rare occasions I get to wear comfortable clothes, I'm quite content having a giant hole in my armpit that lets the world know, yes, I Meat put on deodorant today (I'm not a role model, merely a leader).  For the amount of growing up I'm forced to do on a daily basis, shame on you for ruining one more kid's Christmas by telling him that Santa isn't real and buying him a boring holeless shirt.  It's not that I'm a child, irresponsible, or don't care about fashion. It's just that I'm kind of a child, I'm only responsible about a select group of things and I don't care about fashion.

1 comment:

Julie said...

Are you sure you're not somebody's husband? Your last sentence is their battle cry.