It's my way of sticking it to the hipsters and the man at the same time

I like getting starbucks coffee because then I feel like I have a pass to go into any starbucks and do whatever the fuck I want.

"It's cool, bro, I'm in the club, check out this grande.  Do you have a hanger, I'm gonna take my pants off?"

The most extreme thing in glitter

Gymnastics and diving are interesting sports.  When you watch them, the commentators do a really good job of instantly warping your perceptions.  They will say something like, "ooh, a nice one and a half on the beam, a spin, a sprint, and dismount, triple flip, and she sti...no wait, a foot forward.  That will cost her".

Um, that girl just flipped in the air and landed on a 6 inch peace of wood, then sprinted on it and flipped off and you are upset because she took a step when she landed.  Why are we not commenting more on the fact that she didn't crush her genitals or converge her face and her shoulders into one permanent body part?  That girl lives in the Matrix.

Or diving.  The guy made a slightly larger splash than we wanted.  It's like if I drove a motorcycle head on at a semi on the highway, spun underneath it, and when I came out I was wearing the trucker's hat and people were commenting on how I put it on crooked.  Give that guy a break, he just fell 3 stories.  Let's talk more about how he's still alive.

At least thinking about sex is safe

HPV associated head and neck cancer is correlated with pot smoking and oral sex. Party. Over.

Movie critic. Food critic. Well, food in movies critic.

I'm a fat kid.  I'm not actually fat because I work out and try to eat healthy, but at heart, I'm a fucking whale.

I know this because I was watching a scene in a movie where the protagonist and his friend were going to grab some hot dogs on the way home from work.  The friend bought an extra hot dog for the protagonist's brother and they were walking home, carrying the hot dogs, and talking.  They began to argue and the protagonist got pissed at his friend; as the argument came to a head, the protagonist stormed off.

The only thing I could think about the entire scene was that extra hot dog.  Don't forget that hot dog.  You're going to leave without that extra dog.  Don't do it.  You are letting your emotions get the best of you.  You're not thinking clearly.  Take the hot dog.  It's not even for you.  Don't let your brother suffer because you have an anger management problem.  You are blinded by rage and you are going to forget that hot dog.  Stop it.  You are a grown man.  Get a hold of yourself, and that hot dog, and walk away without ruining a friendship.  Or a piece of encased meat.  Think of your brother.  And the hot dog.  You are going to leave a relationship and a hot dog behind.  You arrogant prick.

And he did.  He left that hot dog.

I never forgave him.

I'm compassionate about whether or not you passed gas

No one cares about urine or gas more than medical students. We are the uriNational Army of Flatuland. Bow to our will and plastic collection devices!

Holey Jesus

My Girlfriend, from My Life, asks,

Why do all of your clothes have holes in them?

Good question girlfriend.  I think it's a combination of a couple of factors.  First and foremost, I would like to cite laziness.  Never underestimate the power of laziness.

Yes, I'm aware that the Gap is literally  around the corner from me, but you have no idea the kind of effort that goes into having to walk inside the store.  There's the walking part.  The looking at stuff part.  The trying on things part.  Oh god, and the pay for stuff part?  What the hell is that about?  Swipe. Would you like credit or debit? Sign. Do you want your receipt?  Jesus, what is this, the census report?  Stop asking questions and give me my shitty clothes.

Next I would like to refer to nostalgia.  Er, not nostalgia.  What's it when it's like nostalgia in that you like it because you've had it for awhile, but in reality, you don't give a shit about it?  Complacency? I'd like to refer to complacency.  Here you might say, well isn't complacency pretty much just laziness again?  Yes, probably.  Now shut up (not you, Girlfriend, I want to continue to sleep with you.  I meant someone else!).

An important question I should address is why the holes are actually there.  Bicycle, wallet, a pen, drinking, I'm not sure about that one, cat, splintered wood, gamma-ray induced enlargement when angry, sledding, I just saw a picture of me in those pants from 2006 so I'll attribute that to just pure wear; plus I know I didn't buy that shit in 2006.

Finally, social acceptance.  It has come to my attention that these holes are not socially acceptable, so why does that not drive me to improve?  I recently learned that it is not socially acceptable to still have Ninja Turtle paraphernalia and that I should probably grow up and buy an umbrella, too.

Sounds like a big case of "my life is boring, join me" syndrome (not you, Girlfriend, someone else!).  Listen to yourself (not you, Gf, se!), you sound like my mom (nyGse!) and should be ashamed of yourself (ny!).  Grow up on your own(!), I have a bowl of cereal to eat and some cartoons to watch.  Isn't there some sort of meeting your need to go to or some kids from soccer practice that need picking up (oh please god not you, Girlfriend.  I hope I meant someone else)?

On the rare occasions I get to wear comfortable clothes, I'm quite content having a giant hole in my armpit that lets the world know, yes, I Meat put on deodorant today (I'm not a role model, merely a leader).  For the amount of growing up I'm forced to do on a daily basis, shame on you for ruining one more kid's Christmas by telling him that Santa isn't real and buying him a boring holeless shirt.  It's not that I'm a child, irresponsible, or don't care about fashion. It's just that I'm kind of a child, I'm only responsible about a select group of things and I don't care about fashion.

Computer figures out how to be a real know-it-all prick

"Computer algorithm can recognize sarcasm".  Next up, learning the "silent treatment" algorithm and gaining a "no porn tonight, go sleep on the couch" function.